


Pain is so close to Pleasure

by Avocados-in-Love (Zorro_sci)



Category: daredevil - Fandom
Genre: Insecurity, Lack of Communication, M/M, just talk to each other all ready!, questionable sexual practices due to lack of communication, response to Daredevil Kinkmeme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 11:01:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11896374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zorro_sci/pseuds/Avocados-in-Love
Summary: Matt and Foggy navigate their new sexual relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for this prompt: [link](http://daredevilkink.dreamwidth.org/8773.html?thread=17855557#cmt17855557)

_This isn't what I was expecting,_ Matt thought as Foggy's lips touched his.

To he honest, he had been dreading their meeting. Yes, he had missed Foggy. Yes, he had wanted him back; even secretly fantasized of more than mere friendship between them. (Okay, he'd been pining; long before things fell apart between them, or Daredevil threw his first punch in the name of justice. Even before "the best damn avocados.") That didn't mean he'd held out any hope that getting a drink with Foggy would involve anything more than stilted polite banter at best, or angry accusations at worst. They hadn't spoken in three months, and they hadn't exactly ended on good terms.

He'd been surprisingly, and pleasantly, wrong.

First, Foggy had greeted him, and fallen into conversation like nothing had changed. Cheerful banter flowed out of him as naturally as water through a stream, a smile evident in his voice the whole time.

He talked about his new job. His new apartment. He inquired about Matt's life. He made it easy, and Matt began to hope that they could rebuild their relationship.

However, just as Matt had begun to relax, he felt Foggy go stiff beside him. He heard his muscles tense and his heart start to race, and he couldn't be sure, but he thought the smile must have dropped off of Foggy's face, leaving it looking entirely different, as if his cheerful face had been a mask, (he didn't think he was allowed to reach out and touch his face to check though).

"Dammit! I can't do this!" Foggy had grumbled, more to himself than anyone.

Then Matt's heart had started to race. No! He'd been so close. So close to having Foggy back in his life. So close to refilling the empty hole he had left behind in Matt's life, in his heart, in his whole existence.

He needed to say something. Something reassuring, or clever, or anything to get Foggy to stay, but his mind was blank.

"I miss you, Matt, but I can't pretend anymore. . ."

Breathing seemed like it shouldn't be this hard, and when had he been stabbed in the heart with an icicle?

" . . . I can't go back to the way we were before, because I don't want to be your friend anymore . . ."

Matt's breath left him entirely, and someone plunged the icicle deeper and twisted it.

" . . .well, not _just_ your friend . . . . Wow, you look like I just killed a dozen puppies in front of you; I'm clearly doing this very badly . . . I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love you. Not is a "bros" sort of way. In a "hopelessly devoted to you" sort of way . . . I have for a long time, almost since the beginning, and the distance between us has taught me that I can't ignore that anymore.

I love you, and I want to be with you. As partners. Not law partners. Life partners. . . Not that we might not be law partners again some day, but I signed a contract for at least. . . . Nevermind. 

Look, I know it's a lot to ask to go from not speaking each other, to dating each other, but if you feel the way I do . . .And I kinda got the impression that maybe you do. All the jokes about marriage and me kissing you didn't really feel like they were jokes . . . And when you got mad at me before we went our separate ways, it reminded me of when you broke up with Elektra. . . Maybe I misread it, and that was the best friend version of 'I'm heartbroken because I love you, and you should know me better than anyone else, so why can't you understand me and accept me as I am?', but it felt the same. . . So if you feel the same way I do, I don't want to waste any more time. 

No more pettiness, or stupidity. I need you, and I'm willing to compromise and act like an adult to have you in my life."

"You're right," Matt whispered simply.

Foggy's heart jolted, and sped up even faster.

"I am? About which part?"

"All of it. 

We shouldn't let pettiness come between us, we shouldn't waste anymore time, and I love you too."

"Really? . . . Then, can I kiss you?"

Matt was stunned for a split second, (both by the question and the surprised way Foggy breathed out the question, since he seemed to have everything all figured out), but he managed a quick head nod.

It was a miracle. It had to be. He'd come expecting proof that he and Foggy were irreparably broken, and instead . . .

_This isn't what I was expecting._

_His lips are so soft._

_He's really good at this. Marci wasn't exaggerating when she said . . ._

_Wait. Why is he hesitating?_

_Oh!_

_I should probably kiss him back._

In his defense, Foggy really _was_ an amazing kisser, and he had wanted this for years, so maybe he got a little lost in his head. Still, when he returned the kiss, everything only got better.

Foggy kissed him breathless, and then pulled back and gently rested his forehead against Matt's as he sighed gently, (this time the smile Matt heard was 100% real, and probably every bit as contented as the sigh).

"You scared me for a second there, Murdock. I was afraid I'd talked you into something you didn't want," Foggy joked, but there was real hesitation behind his words.

"No! No, no I- I just-" Matt stumbled over his words unsure of how to tell Foggy that that wasn't the case _at all_.

"Relax," Foggy soothed with a soft laugh in his voice. "I realized I was wrong the second you started kissing me back. . . You were quite enthusiastic." 

"Yeah, it was gross. 

Get a room. This isn't that kind of bar," Josie grumped, but the comment wasn't biting.

She was secretly pleased for them. She'd always had a soft spot for Foggy, and Matt knew he had come to be included in that too.

"That's a great idea!" Foggy enthused, grabbing Matt's hand, and walking towards the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the confusion. This was always meant to be multiple chapters. 
> 
> I just posted too quickly this morning.

Despite Josie's encouragement, they ended the night with kissing and cuddling. Other things could wait, because slow was good, right? They were finally together, so sex could wait; should wait even, so it was special when they had their first time together.

Yep, that was why Foggy had led Matt back to his apartment for a movie and cuddles, and then ended the night with a sweet kiss and nothing more. He was savoring the newness of it. Giving them time to adjust to new circumstances. 

It had nothing to do with him remembering, as their hands tentatively explored each other's bodies during one of their more intense kisses, that Matt was extremely ripped and hot and he was extremely not. No, that didn't even have the slightest relevance to why he had ended the kiss, or started cuddling instead, making sure nothing went any further that night. That would be ridiculous.

He certainly wasn't thinking of that one guy in college, (Justin?), who told him after a one night stand that it was a shame that his looks didn't match his skill in bed. Then he went on to propose that he and Foggy could have a purely sexual relationship, if he didn't mind Justin wearing a blindfold anytime they were together. 

He told Justin where he could go, but it still hurt. Just like when Bethany, the barista, had ended their relationship after one date. 

He'd made a joke out of it with Matt, but there was a lot he didn't tell him. (Like, she apparently only went out with him because she "wanted to know if the rumors were true" about his bedroom prowess. Then she decided that they were, but "there was just no spark. You're just not my type. Sorry.")

Even Marci had never called him anything other than "cute" or "adorable." Her "Foggy Bear". Fluffy and cuddly like a teddybear. 

He just didn't think that fluffy and cute would compare well against fit and model gorgeous like pretty much everyone else Matt had been with, (not to mention, Matt himself). So sue him if he was a little bit insecure. (He might not be hot, but he could argue almost anyone into submission. He had the lawyer part down. You could _try_ to sue him, but don't expect to win.)

In his defense, Matt didn't exactly seem eager to take things to the next step either. He had gone tense when Foggy led him out after Josie's suggestion, and he hardly seemed upset when Foggy downgraded things to cuddling. He actually almost seemed relieved. 

(Because slow is good, not because he was having second thoughts, right?)

Sex would happen. It would. He had fantasized too much about it over the last several years to want to forego it completely, even with his insecurities. He was just going to lead up to it a bit. Show Matt what an amazing partner he could be. Woo him.

Then, when Matt knew he never wanted anyone else, that Foggy was the best possible match for him, then they could have sex. Simple. A very workable plan.

Okay, more like a fantasy. Still waiting two or three dates wouldn't kill them. It wouldn't hurt to wait just long enough to lessen his nerves, because everything was going to be fine. Matt had touched him before. He had hugged him. He knew Foggy was thick, and had a gut and other soft places. He had known for years, and he knew when he said he loved him, so it didn't matter to him, right? He loved him the way he was, and everything was going to be fine. It had to be.


	3. Chapter 3

Tonight was the night. Foggy was cooking him dinner at his apartment, and then they were going to have "dessert." (Foggy had relished using the cliche, dropping his voice on the word and trying to make it sound as sultry as possible. He had undermined his own efforts a little though, since he was barely holding back his laughter. It was ridiculous, but Matt was clearly hopeless, because he found it endearing anyway, and okay, maybe it turned him on a little.) 

Point was, after waiting several dates, and pining several years, tonight they would finally get to know each other in the biblical sense. Sex was going to happen. Matt wasn't sure if he was more terrified or relieved.

On the one hand, he'd been fantasizing about this for nearly a decade. He'd jerked off more than a few times while imagining what it would be like if he and Foggy were together like that. In some ways, his dreams were literally coming true.

On the other hand, what if it didn't live up to the fantasy? He'd had so many years to build this thing up in his head, what if the real thing wasn't as good? What if he was disappointed?

No, that wasn't going to happen. One, Matt loved Foggy, and that had to mean something right? It was always better if you loved someone. It automatically made everything more intimate and intense. Two, Foggy was really, really good in bed; an expert at sex, a "sexpert," if Marci and popular gossip at Columbia were to be believed. Even outside of Columbia, Foggy had a limited but glowing reputation perpetuated by seemingly everyone with whom he had ever had a sexual liaison.

All of which brought Matt to a far more honest question. What if _Foggy_ was disappointed? 

It was clear he had pined and fantasized just like Matt, what if Matt didn't live up to the imagined version of him? After all, Foggy thought Matt was significantly more sexually experienced than he was. 

Don't get him wrong, he was no virgin, but nine times out of ten that Foggy thought he was getting laid, he was actually studying in the library, (fast forward, and make it ten times out of ten that he was doing something else once Daredevil came along).

It was a new feeling, because usually Matt was pretty confident about his skill in the bedroom. He had super senses, and he was observant. He caught the little tells, the sudden increases in heart rate. The nearly silent swallowed moans and catches in breath that someone else might miss. He could read how quickly and drastically someone's body temperature changed. He had several advantages, and he utilized every one to make sure whoever he was with felt as good as possible.

Elektra had called him a prodigy. They had never had sex without her coming at least twice.

Other than her, Matt had had a handful of casual relationships, most of which fell in the "one night stand" category, but they all had seemed more than satisfied. Most of them had even told him as much.

Matt shouldn't be worried. He knew what he was doing. He could make it good for Foggy, and he would. 

He was going to make sure it was great, because he _had_ to. Sex was one of the few ways that Matt felt confident expressing his affection, and Foggy deserved all of the affection in the world. 

Foggy had always been extremely loyal and caring, but he'd only gotten better since they'd reunited. Now that he knew all of Matt, he had been very explicit in letting Matt know that he loved all of him. He slipped in questions about what Matt could sense as if it were only natural and logical. He took first aid classes so he could help when Matt got hurt in his nighttime activities. He chastely kissed Matt for luck before he went out at night, and he was waiting for him when he got home. Even his occasional admonishment to be more careful or take a night off, were so colored with fondness and concern that Matt accepted them as the acts of love that they were.

In short, Foggy made him feel loved and treasured, and he felt hopelessly unable to properly reciprocate. Showing him that he cared enough to be attentive in bed seemed like the least he could do. A first step in letting Foggy know he was just as precious to Matt. So that's what he was going to do.


	4. Chapter 4

"You slept with Murdock last night," Marci announced as Foggy walked into her office.

"Shhhh," Foggy reprimanded, looking around to see if anyone was listening, before whispering, "How did you know?"

"You just have that look about you . . .sooooooo, tell me everything! Is he good?"

"Marci, we're at work! I'm not going to-"

"That bad, huh? Shame. 

He's really hot, and you've been pining for years.

So are we talking irreparably bad, or salvageable with some pointers?"

"It wasn't bad!"

Marci smirked knowingly.

"But it wasn't good."

"It was fine. Now let's get back to work."

"If you're using the word 'fine' to describe sex, at least one of you is doing it wrong."

"We are not talking about this!"

"Oh, don't worry, Foggy Bear. I won't tell anyone that your boyfriend is a lousy lay. This'll stay between us. . .but if you want some advice about how to improve-"

"Stop! He's not a lousy lay, and I don't want any advice!

This topic is closed! We have cases to prepare for, and none of them are related to my sex life!"

"Okay, okay. Touchy, Foggy Bear. . . But the offer is still on the table."

Then, blessedly she started talking about their actual work. Unfortunately, after their earlier conversation, Foggy's mind kept wandering.

He hadn't lied. Sex with Matt had been . . .fine. It certainly wasn't bad, and to be fair, some of it had been amazing. They both had orgasms, but . . .well . . .he was a little disappointed. 

He felt guilty even thinking those words. This was Matt. _Matt_ , who he was stupidly gone for. _**Matt**_ with his stupid fluffy hair, and goofy smiles, and bad blind jokes, whom he had loved almost his entire adult life. He shouldn't be thinking that about a man he adored so completely, but he couldn't help it.

Foggy had expected that Matt would want him to bottom. Matt could be a bit of a control freak, so giving Foggy the control of topping him seemed unlikely. That was fine, Foggy was comfortable either way. He was willing to let Matt take the lead.

Matt had started slow, and just this side of teasing. His lips and tongue were wicked and clever, and he had Foggy whining, and writhing, and wanting more. Which Matt seemed happy to oblige. 

It had been just about perfect. Sweet, slow torture . . . .but then, then Matt _bit_ him. Not a playful nibble, an actual _bite_.

Foggy had started, jerking in surprise, and smothering a yelp in his throat. Then, just as he started to recover from the shock, Matt did it again, and again. He didn't do it hard enough to draw blood or anything, but it still hurt, and that was really not Foggy's thing.

He had been about to say something, when Matt switched tactics and did something _amazing_ with his hips that nearly melted Foggy on the spot, in the best possible way. He moaned in earnest, and words left him, so he let it drop. He figured it was just an odd bump in the road, and things would be better going forward. 

The problem was, the pattern kept repeating. Matt kept getting too rough for Foggy's tastes. He pulled Foggy's hair so hard that he thought he might cry, (and he still had a headache afterwards). He pinned down Foggy's hips so forcefully that he left deep bruises, and Foggy had to work hard not to cry out while he was being held down. 

Honestly, Matt never seemed to be _trying_ to cause Foggy pain, and he never hurt him in any serious way, but it was enough to make the experience less than enjoyable for Foggy.

That was a horrible thought, because paired with those moments were moments of absolute ecstasy, but each and every time the pain had all but ruined the euphoric feeling of all of Matt's other ministrations. It was like flying, and then crashing; repeatedly. 

Still, things had built up like they do, and soon they both were tipping over the edge.

Then Matt had gently wiped him clean, and tenderly kissed his brow, as he softly asked Foggy if he was okay.

Foggy knew that "are you okay?" was really "was that okay? Was it good for you?", and that it was his opportunity to gently suggest that Matt take some things down a notch . . . But, ugh, he had been all messy-haired, and his eyes had gazed so openly and earnestly to a spot two inches to Foggy's left, and he had looked so _vulnerable_ that Foggy heard himself saying "more than okay, Matty."

It hadn't really been a lie, and he had hoped it didn't read like one to Matt, because that might be even worse. It didn't seem to though, because Matt had beamed, and gathered Foggy to him with a relieved and pleased half-laugh. Then he had clung to Foggy like his life depended on it, and Foggy decided he had no regrets.

So what if Matt was a little rough? The guy beat up criminals in his spare time, he probably didn't even realize that what he was doing might hurt. It was positively gentle in comparison to the way he made physical contact with anyone else. Besides, it didn't hurt _that_ much, and it wasn't like he was really doing Foggy any damage. Foggy could get used to it. 

Honestly, he should just be feeling lucky he could have Matt like that at all. Matt didn't let many people get close to him. He was being unprecedentedly vulnerable with Foggy. Furthermore, men that looked like Foggy did not often get men who looked like Matt. He was lucky, and he shouldn't let something small like this make him forget that.


	5. Chapter 5

To be honest, Matt had thought that if he and Foggy ever started dating, that there would be a lot more sex involved than there seemed to be in reality. As it was, despite the fact that Foggy had all but moved in with him only a week into their relationship, an average week contained only three or four sex acts; most of which were Foggy blowing him to apologize for 'not having more time.'

Don't get him wrong, Foggy gave amazing blow jobs. Ten out of ten, best he'd ever had, made him want to write sonnets good. . .but afterward he was always so tired that he only let Matt return the favor half the time. And, most nights they just slept together in the very literal sense of the words. 

Not that that was bad. Holding Foggy in his arms was one of his favorite feelings in the world. It made him feel whole. 

It was also no small thing to know Foggy was at home waiting for him during his late night patrols. Even if a brief, sweet kiss and sleep was all that followed his arrival home.

Still, was it so horrible to wish for a little more physical intimacy? It seemed like they had gone directly to old, married couple status without so much as a honeymoon along the way.

Matt wanted more. More touching, more fondling, more clever tongues and roving hands. More grinding hips, more nakedness, more erections, and definitely more orgasms. It didn't seem like that much to ask, but one thing kept getting in the way.

"I swear Hogarth is trying to kill you," Matt grumped as he walked toward the table where Foggy was _still_ working. "You'd think you're the only other lawyer in the firm with how much she's been asking you to work lately."

"Lawyers work long hours. We both know this. 

It's really not that bad," Foggy answered far too calmly and logically for Matt's liking.

"You've been working around 70 hours a week for the past three weeks!

You barely do anything other than work and sleep, you always smell like stress sweat, you've been having heart palpitations, and you're so tense sometimes I think you're going to break in half!"

Matt punctuated his point by walking up behind Foggy and gently dropping his hands onto his taut shoulders. Point made, he started to gently massage the tension away. 

Slowly, the muscles beneath Matt's hands yielded and Foggy let out an appreciative moan.

Matt smirked. That was more like it.

"Don't stop," Foggy groaned desperately.

Matt moved his hands lower, and continued to ease the knotted muscles of his boyfriend's middle and lower back. All the while, Foggy's pleased sounds got louder, and more and more pornographic.

Matt's cock certainly noticed, and was becoming more interested by the second.

"Why don't you take a break?" Matt whispered in his most sultry tone, right against the shell of Foggy's ear.

The other man shivered underneath his hands, but hesitated a few seconds before turning around and capturing Matt's mouth in an eager and bruising kiss.

Yes! Finally!

Tempting Foggy away from his work was not easy, so Matt needed to reward him by pulling out all the stops. He thought back on all of the things that had received the best reactions in their previous encounters, and got to work.

First, he put his tongue to work, and heard a breathy sigh and a sharp increase in Foggy's heart rate. So far so good.

Then he guided them over a few feet and shoved his boyfriend onto the couch. He settled himself in Foggy's lap, and rolled his hips over Foggy's, making sure to twist just so as he increased the friction between them. 

Foggy gasped, and his heart skipped before continuing to merrily race along.

Good. Now what?

He gently undressed Foggy, pushing him to a more horizontal position as he went, and running teasing fingers over every inch of skin as it became available. He paid special attention to anywhere Foggy was particularly sensitive, brushing feather light touches over the spot before following it with a sudden squeeze, or twist, or kiss; mixing it up to keep him guessing.

Foggy squirmed and leaned into the touch, keening. His breath changed to pants, and his heart pounded heavily, battering against his ribs and breastbone.

Beautiful. Matt's favorite song.

Time to take things to the next level.

Hair-pulling, biting, and pinning Foggy down forcefully had all had strong responses before. Each had led to drastic increases in heart rate, flushing and cut off moans and cries. (Honestly, those three had surprised him a little, but the response was consistent, and he supposed it wasn't all that surprising that a man with Foggy's reputation would be a little bit kinky.)

With that in mind, he straddled the other man. Then he yanked back Foggy's head by his hair, and licked a stripe from his exposed throat down to the top of his left thigh, and finished his journey with a sharp bite to the sensitive skin in the crease between Foggy's thigh and belly.

Foggy's heart rate took off like a rocket, he jerked violently and cried out, his exclamation followed by a rough sob. 

Then, as the smell of salt hit the air, Matt realized that Foggy was _crying_ , and not tears of joy based on the smell of the tears. No, the sob hadn't been the sound of being overwhelmed by pleasure; it and the preceding cry had been expressions of pain. Foggy's heart rate had skyrocketed because he was _hurt_ ; because _Matt_ had **_hurt him_**. He had jerked to get away from the pain, and he was softly crying and sniffling now, (despite the fact he was clearly trying to stop), because he was _still in pain_.

Matt sat up and away from Foggy, holding his body above him so they weren't touching, even as he still straddled him. His movement was desperate, jerky and quick, like he need to get out of the other man's space as soon as possible.

"Foggy," he croaked uncertainly, "Did, did I hurt you?"

"No!" Foggy replied quickly; too quickly, his tone too earnest and his heart screaming 'lie!' as it tripped underneath his false reassurance.

"I did! I did!" Matt exclaimed, certain now, but still wishing it wasn't true. "Foggy, you have to tell me the truth. I need to know.

I hurt you, didn't I?"

Foggy hesitated, but then nodded reluctantly. Matt's stomach dropped, and he let out a mournful sound. . .then, he had a terrible thought.

"Foggy, have I hurt you before?" 

Foggy went rigid, and then nodded again. Just a half nod that almost seemed pulled out of him it was so reluctant.

Matt reeled, and his breath left him. He had to reach out a hand to steady himself on the back of the couch to keep himself from collapsing onto Foggy.

No.


	6. Chapter 6

"Matt? . . . Matt?" Foggy called quietly.

His words didn't seem to have any effect, so he raised a hand to gently cup Matt's cheek and tried again.

"Matty? Are you okay?"

"Why . . .why didn't you tell me?"

Matt's voice sounded small and broken. It immediately made Foggy regret letting things get this far. 

"I . . . I . . ."

He what? What could he say? How could he fix this?

As he thought, Matt worried.

Foggy's heart sounded like the wings of a bird thrashing frantically against its cage. His breathing was quick and panicked, and the scent of fear poured off of him.

Matt shifted backward and further away from Foggy, careful not to touch him as he left his space. Then he sat on the coffee table in front of the couch, purposefully drawing his frame in as tightly as possible to make himself seem smaller.

"You're afraid," Matt whispered mournfully. "You're afraid of me."

"No! Never, Matty!" denied Foggy.

His heart seemed to say "truth," but it was racing too fast for Matt to be sure; and the desperation in his voice left Matt uneasy. 

"Are you sure? 

Foggy, your heart sounds like it's going to explode. . .and hard as I try, I can't think of a reason you would feel like you couldn't tell me I was hurting you, unless you were afraid.

Did you think I would be annoyed with you for telling me? That I would pretend it didn't matter?

Did you think I enjoyed it? That I got off on it? Or-or that I would leave you if you didn't let me hurt you during sex?

Did you think I'd be angry with you if you told me? Or-or that I would hurt you? . . . Or that-that I would _force_ you to keep doing what I wanted?"

Matt's voice grew more desperate and distraught with each question, unshed tears clogging his voice, all while he kept folding himself further and further in on himself somehow until he looked impossibly small. He rocked back and forth looking lost and afraid.

It was the push Foggy needed to finally pull him out of his stunned state. He had to stop this from getting any worse. 

He reached out and enveloped Matt into a tight hug, and at his touch, Matt seemed to allow himself to break. He clutched desperately at Foggy and sobbed into his shoulder.

"Shhh, Matty. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault," he whispered gently in his ear.

Matt shook his head sharply, but he couldn't find any words between the harsh gasps and sobs pouring out of him.

"Yes, it is," Foggy countered gently, still speaking softly, just for Matt. "I should have told you. I know I should have. I never should have let things get this far.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I should have told you. I should have. 

I knew you weren't trying to hurt me, Matt. I know you never would hurt me intentionally. . . I **should** have told you. . . I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. . .

You're wonderful, Matty, and I should have known I could tell you anything. I'm so, so sorry. Please forgive me. 

I should have told you, but I was scared . . ."

Matt made a soft, wounded sound, and Foggy held him a little tighter.

". . . I was scared of disappointing you."

"What?!" Matt spluttered.

"Look, I know I have a reputation. . .and I know that's the reason why most people I've been with decided to give me a chance. . .so I wanted to make sure I lived up to the hype. 

I wanted to make sure it was good for you, and afterwards, you just, you seemed so happy that I couldn't tell you. I couldn't take away from your happiness, and I couldn't risk any changes that might make you less happy or satisfied."

"So you let me hurt you, because you thought you might not live up to your reputation if you told me what I was doing was painful? 

Is your reputation as a sex god really worth that much to you?"

"'Sex god'?!"

"Marci's exact words. Which she used frequently while describing you to other girls at Columbia."

"It's weird that you know that . . .but no, it's not my reputation I was worried about ruining.

It's just, I mean, if I can't provide you with mind-blowing sex, then what do I contribute? Tainted corporate money that you're probably too principled to let me spend on you anyway?"

"What are talking about, Foggy?"

"I'm talking about the fact that you are completely out of my league, Matt."

"That's not true!"

"It is! You're way hotter than me, you're stronger than me, you're smarter than me, you're more charming, you're more principled, and you have superpowers. Basically, you're just more and better in every way.

People with only a fraction of what you have, have made it very clear that the only reason I had a ghost of a prayer with them is because I'm really good in bed . . .so if that's all I had to offer them, then what can I give you if I can't satisfy you sexually? 

Nothing, that's what! So I couldn't jeopardize my one selling point."

"Foggy, that's crazy! Sex is not your one selling point!"

"So, you would want to be with me if we didn't have sex?

Come on, don't lie, Murdock! Since we've been together, you've tried to initiate sex between us every other day _at least_ , sometimes multiple times in the same day, and on countless occasions, you've pouted or sulked when I said I was too busy.

Even if you don't think sex is my only selling point, it still must factor in pretty heavily for you."

"Yes, I like having sex with you, and I would happily do it more often. It's fun, and it feels amazing, and it's a physical way to connect with you and show you that I care about you . . .or I thought it was, before I realized I was hurting you. . . .but as much as I enjoy sex with you, I **love** _you_. . .and if sex is not something you want, then I don't need it. I'd rather have you happy and in my life, than have the best sex in the world."

"So I'm enough? Just as I am, no sex or strings attached? Just me?" Foggy scoffed.

"Of course!"

"Really? So most of the people I've been with have asked me to be silent not only during sex, but before and after, and 'just in general,' because I have a great personality, and I'm not annoying or awkward at all!

And not one, not two, but three different people have asked me to wear a bag over my head during sex, because I'm so stunningly attractive! Not to mention at least half a dozen people asked me to blindfold them before I took my clothes off, because I have such a great body!

Yes, clearly I have so much to offer. I'm a real catch. Anyone would be lucky to have me!

Of course you would want me without the sex. I have no idea why I would have any reason to doubt that. It's not like amazing sex is quote 'literally the only reason anyone would ever tolerate you at all, ever.'"

Foggy slammed his mouth shut before he could continue. Yes, he'd had some bad experiences, but that didn't mean he needed to be an ass to Matt. Matt hadn't done any of those things.

Meanwhile, Matt didn't know what to do. Part of him howled in rage, and wanted to demand names, so he could go out and hunt down anyone who had ever had the nerve to do any of that to Foggy. That part would be easy to listen to and satisfy, but it was probably best that he didn't.

The rest of him was frozen and unsure what to do. He was stunned. He knew Foggy wasn't really as confident as he presented himself, but he never realized just how little Foggy thought of himself. Not until Foggy laid it out in a stinging, sarcastic tirade that just _hurt_. A speech that burned him to the heart, because he realized that Foggy _truly believed_ all of the garbage that some complete idiots had said. That he'd let their poison seeped into his veins, and damage his far too soft and vulnerable heart, (which, quite frankly, filled Matt with rage again, and made him want to choke the life out of each and every one of those people).

"Foggy, you asked me to be honest with you, so I'm going to be completely truthful. 

I really want to hurt the people who said or did any of that to you."

"Matt, it's okay . . ."

"No! Foggy, it's not! 

None of that is okay. No one deserves that, least of all you, because you're amazing."

"I'm not-"

"You are! You're kind and open with everyone. You're a little awkward, but you put people at ease, and you make them feel important and cared for.

You took a shy, angry, blind orphan, who never fit in anywhere, and made him feel like he belonged somewhere. You created a home for him, for me. The first one I'd had since I was ten.

You love fully, and deeply, and so intensely that it scares me, because it leaves you so vulnerable. It makes you easy to hurt. But you're fearless. You love anyway. No matter how much it hurts.

You're also smart, and clever, and funny, and just a good person who goes out of his way to do things for other people that seem small, but really mean so much . . .and I have no idea how you can think I'm out of your league, when I wonder everyday how I got lucky enough to be loved by you, because I certainly don't deserve it. 

You show me that you love me every second, of every day, and I have no idea how to adequately show you that I love you too."

"Matt . . ."

"It's true, Foggy. 

You may not believe me right now, but hopefully one day you will."

"You're such a sap."

"Only for you."

". . .and I know that you love me.

You're incredibly protective. You cock your head and look concerned anytime my heart rate changes, you won't let anyone say a bad word against me, and I know you've camped out on my fire escape more than once when danger's been nearby.

You hold me like I'm the most precious thing in the world, and you never want to let me go. 

You don't complain about my snoring.

Most of all, you tell me the truth, and you're vulnerable with me. I know that's hard for you, and it takes effort, but you do it anyway, because I asked you to. That means a lot, Matt."

"Of course, Fog. I'd do anything for you."

"I'd do the same for you. I love you, Matty."

"Love you, too."

"Okay . . . I think we should have make-up sex now."


	7. Chapter 7

_"I think we should have make-up sex now."_

"I'm not so sure that's a good idea . . ." Matt spluttered. "Besides, I don't think we actually had a fight."

"Semantics, buddy, but if you don't want to, that's okay. We don't have to."

"It's not that I don't want to . . . I really want to, but . . . What if I hurt you again?"

"Then I'll tell you, and we'll fix it."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely . . .so, just some ideas . . . I don't like pain, at all really. 

Light pinching and twisting, soft nibbling, and that's pretty much as far as I go. 

I don't like biting, hair pulling, or anything that will leave a bruise or draw blood.

I _do_ like whatever it is you do with your hips. It's _magical_. I also like pretty much anything you do with your tongue, and I love when you tease me. 

Slow and sweet is totally my speed.

What about you? Anything you want me to do . . .or not do?"

"You more than live up to your reputation, Foggy. I've loved anything we've done sexually . . .except, one, I need to know when something's not working for you, because you grinning and bearing it is not an option anymore; and two, I really don't like it when I'm the only one who gets off. 

I think sex should leave both people satisfied, and I feel like things are only half finished when you get me off and then don't let me do the same for you. It makes me feel selfish.

I'd rather have less sex and have it be mutual, than have more sex but have you reach completion in less than 100% of our sexual encounters."

"Fair enough."

They collided in a passionate kiss. Losing themselves in each other for a moment.

"I also think I'd like to try bottoming," Matt added in a whisper against Foggy's lips as they broke apart for air.

Foggy pulled all the way away and studied Matt's face.

"Are you sure, Matty?" Foggy asked carefully. "You don't have to do anything because you think I want it. . . . I mean you've never . . . Have you ever . . .? Not everyone likes . . ."

"Being on the receiving end of anal penetration?"

"I was going to say 'being fucked,' but let's go with what you said."

"To answer your earlier question, no I've never 'been fucked' before. . ."

"I thought we were avoiding that term . . ."

". . .but I think I'd like it if you were the one fucking me."

Matt tried to lean in to reinitiate their kiss, but Foggy pulled back again.

"To be clear, you've just used the word 'fuck' twice.

You, Mr. 'Language, Foggy'."

"More relevantly, I just said I wanted your dick inside of me.

Why don't we focus on that part?"

"Now we're saying 'dick'?

Who are you? And what have you done to Matt?"

"Foggy . . ."

"I'm being serious. Not five minutes ago you were talking about 'getting off,' 'reaching completion' and 'sexual encounters' in very unprovocative and plain, if not euphemistic, terms . . .and now you're throwing around words like 'fucking' and 'dick' all willy-nilly . . ."

"You're right, throwing dicks around 'all willy-nilly' is never a good idea."

Matt flashed Foggy a playful grin, but it had an edge to it. A dirtiness accompanied the grin that made the look with it fall into the 'leering' category. 

"-And now you're making dick jokes?!? 

Do you have a head injury? Is that what this is?!? Did I hit you on the head, and not realize it? Or did it happen last night on your patrol, and I'm just noticing now? 

Is there a gas leak? . . .Except that would affect me too . . . Unless your senses mean that it affects you first, like a canary-in-a-coal-mine type situation.

Or maybe . . .Do you have a fever? Or have you been drugged? I don't know, some sort of slow-release lust drug, that's just now reaching full potency?"

He reached out and rested the back of his hand on Matt's forehead and then each cheek in turn.

Matt shook his head, and took Foggy's hand in his.

"Foggy, I'm fine. But you don't seem to be. If you're uncomfortable, we'll stop."

"I just . . . I . . . ."

"I meant it, Foggy. If you don't want it, we don't do it. 

You going along with things just to please me isn't what I want. We're done with that."

"But we shouldn't reverse it either. You shouldn't do something you're uncomfortable with to try to make it up to me.

You don't need to feel guilty, and you certainly don't need to let me fuck you to pay penance."

Matt froze.

"Is that what you think this is?"

"Come on, Matty. You like to be in control. Hell, I think you might even need it.

You've never been happy following someone else's orders. I can't imagine you'd like someone else taking the lead in bed . . .and that's fine. It doesn't bother me. I'm happy to follow your lead."

"I let you lead me all the time."

"Yeah, when we're walking, but one, you do that for cover, two, you have your senses for backup, and three, you let the realtor lead you literally the day you met her."

"With the realtor it was cover. Or with Karen, or anyone else . . .but with you it's different.

I _like_ when you lead me. It feels right. . .and it frees up my sense to do other things.

You're right, I have my senses for backup. So when the realtor led me, I was paying attention to the space around me, and making sure she didn't run me into anything. I do the same with everyone else, even Karen, and she's guided me more often than anyone except you. . . .but when you guide me, I don't have to worry about what's in the space around me, because I trust you. 

I know you'll take care of me, so I can concentrate on other things. Like how beautiful the day is, or what the people around us are doing, or you, and every detail of what you're saying.

I think that sex with you topping would be the same way. I might not like it if anyone else took the lead, in fact, I'm pretty sure I'd hate it, but I think it would feel right if you did . . .and I trust you to have that power over me. You're the only one I ever would, because I know you'll take care of me . . .just like you always do."

"Matt . . . I, I . . ."

His voice was slightly choked, and there was a slight whiff of salt in the air. He seemed completely overwhelmed, but he powered through.

"I . . . Matt, I can't fuck you-"

"Oh . . ."

Matt ducked his head slightly, feeling both disappointed and a little embarrassed.

"-You mean too much to me for me to treat you like a sex object . . . .but I can make love to you. . . .after all, you're trusting me to take care of you, and I think you need a lot more love."

"Oh . . ."

Matt brightened instantly.

"See? I knew I was right to trust you."

"Yeah, yeah, Murdock. Let's take this to the bedroom before the moment passes."

"With you Fog, the moment is never going to pass. I want you for life."

Foggy kissed him tenderly.

"Me too, Matty.

. . .Bed. Now."

"Yes sir."


End file.
